BPD ex Files

If you’re reading this and thinking that maybe I’m exaggerating how bad it was,  allow me to demonstrate how PS1′s behaviors qualify her as Cluster B PD.

From the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition, Text Revision. Copyright 2000. American Psychiatric Association

5 out of 9 criteria required for a diagnosis of BPD

Borderline PD:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment: I have often seen this behavior in PS1. When it seemed like I just couldn’t stand another rage episode or another instance of violently shifting moods, I would tell her that I intended to divorce her (and I always meant it). PS1 would suddenly become the person she was while we dated (she would shift back into the mirroring persona). The sex was frequent, meals were made, the children were cared for, and the house was clean, all were things that were uncharacteristic of her. As soon as the danger of the perceived abandonment had passed (me leaving/divorcing) the mirroring behavior disappeared and the abuse continued anew.

PS1 once needed a ride to pick up her child at a friend’s house who was watching her. This was late at night and she was at a bar (PS1 was 18 at the time). PS1 began offering anyone who would listen $100 for a ride. It wasn’t more than 5 miles and she could’ve called a cab. Problem was, she didn’t have $100 …. or even $20. How she intended to pay for this ride is anyone’s guess.

BPD/NPD/HPD personality types are emotional bullies who, when faced with their biggest fear, abandonment, will go to extreme measures to avoid the perceived abandonment. If that fails, they will lash out and seek to destroy the person whom they perceived has wronged them. They will show no mercy and will bad-mouth you to whomever they can. They will elicit the help of anyone that they can, including your shared children and your own family, if they are able to. In PS1′s case, she even managed to elicit the help of Congress and the Military. No, I am not kidding.

“Abusive women often view friends and family (including their own children) as war trophies, human shields and weapons during and after a break-up or divorce.” “The relationship ends and all of a sudden your ex spends more time with your family than she did when you were together. Why? She’s desperately trying to retain control over you by staying involved with your family. This kind of woman is especially likely to do this if you’ve begun a new relationship. She wants your family to like her more than you or your new love interest and/or she wants your family to take her side to show the world she’s “right” (whatever that means) and that you’re “wrong.”

She also does this to portray herself as the victim and you as the bad guy. She wants to try to turn your own family against you. She makes up egregious lies. Some of these women will even go so far as to claim you abused her and the children. For example, “He’s crazy. He’s changed. He’s having a mid-life crisis. You have no idea what I put up with all these years. How could he abandon the children and me?” The projections never stop. — Dr. Tara Palmatieri

Smear tactics (date/times removed, names changed):

PS1: They love you. You love them. No one questions that. But no one, including your mother, thought you would want the children

PS1: I knew that was how you’d respond. Thanks anyway
Agent Mulder: You mean with common sense?
PS1: With hostility. And I forwarded it to your mom, since I told her you’d do this.

PS1: No one knows you anymore, Mulder
PS1: you used to be a good person

(In HER eyes, I’ve “changed” for the worst. To those that knew me before PS1 and know me now…any “change” has been positive)

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. Mirroring is often used in the initial stages of a BP’s romantic quests. This is when the BP “mirrors” the likes, dislikes, interests and desires of the target or victim. PS1 demonstrated this while we were together. She would constantly shift between idolizing me, especially at the beginning, and berating me for seemingly minor “infractions, ” especially after we were married. I always felt like I was trying to “dodge rain.” This is also referred to as “walking on eggshells,” a common feeling amongst those who are living with or dealing with an N/B/HPD person. Additionally, after we separated, PS1 met a man online (Dave G.) and within a few weeks, and after a strictly online “relationship”, PS1 was talking about moving to New England with the children and marrying this man (idealization). Having never met Dave G., PS1 sent him money for a plane ticket, picked him up at the airport, then spent a weekend with him at a hotel while her elderly father watched the children. Meeting a virtual stranger under such conditions just seems irresponsible and unsafe behavior for someone with 4 kids. One year later Dave G.  was no longer a viable candidate for marriage and was “annoying,” “a stalker,” and “had to go” (devaluation).

PS1 now has a new boyfriend ( Greg S.) and has shown the same mirroring behavior with him, (e.g., PS1 is now fascinated by vintage aircraft,  and her birthday trip was to a vintage airplane museum). I suspect that she and Greg S.  have a “lot in common”. This is the goal of mirroring and the B/N/HPD is usually seen as the perfect “soul mate.”

Idealization (aka Love-Bombing):

Mulder: Are you seriously thinking of packing up the 4 kids and moving to New England in 6 months?
PS1: Well…….
Mulder: you’ll just move in w/ some guy you know from the internet?
PS1: And the phone. And the webcam

PS1: No, he’s really decent. And I know I’m being a little nuts, but in a good way In a Nicholas Sparks way

It was at this time that PS1 gave herself away. She had been denying me any opportunity to speak with the children, telling me that the webcam was broken (I was overseas). Parental Alienation (PAS) is the act of an emotional bully and is a form of abuse. She was allowing her long distance boyfriend to talk to the children on the webcam during this same time.

PS1: You’re right. It was selfish of me not to let you talk to the kids on Skype while you were in (Overseas)

PS1: Yeah. He treats me like a princess.
Her Love-Bombing behavior with her newest boyfriend (victim) Greg S.:

PS1:  ♥Completely, perfectly, and incandescently happy.♥

PS1:  Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile~ Oh, and then the spell was cast~ And here we are in heaven~ For you are mine~ At last~ ♥ Etta James ♥

PS1: ♥ Life is totally amazing. ♥

PS1: Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same. ~Emily Brontë

(5 weeks after being in this new relationship, she has another “soul mate”…again)

Devaluation (Dave G. — aka Nicholas Sparks Guy):

Mulder: you booted him out and he took it poorly?

PS1: He’s obsessive/stalker-like

PS1: (Dave G.) was free housekeeping and childcare. Much cheaper than anything I could’ve afforded.

This devaluation was happening in PS1′s mind in less than a year.

N/H/BPDs also don’t have any problem with using other people for their own needs, and see nothing wrong with such behavior.

3. Identity disturbance: persistent and markedly disturbed, distorted or unstable self-image or sense of self. PS1 often portrays herself as delighted, happy and exuberant one moment and depressed and despondent the next and frequently cycles through these moods several times each day, especially when not taking her medication(s), which is most of the time. I suspect that this is partially responsible for her diagnosis as Bi-Polar, however it is a distinct characteristic of BPD when the mood-cycling happens so rapidly. The following status updates are PS1′s and are within 5 hours of each other. 

PS1: Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ Happy, happy Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ

PS1:  Depressed, dejected, despondent, afflicted, beaten down,
bummed out, cast down, devitalized, discouraged, disheartened, dismayed, drained, run down, sad, weighed down. BLAH – I don’t even know why.

4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Since I’ve known her, PS1 has frequently misspent money without any thought to later financial difficulty. She took the kids to a popular theme park and later that month was unable to pay her electric bill. I’ve paid some of her electric bills (the amount was more than $500). PS2 and others have paid more than a few also. A normal person might well make an impulse buy, but they are fully aware of the consequences of their actions and usually change other spending habits to make up for it.  A Borderline, such as PS1, is simply unable to see past the “right now” and will spend on what they like, when they like.

I have suspected PS1 of infidelity, but have only circumstantial evidence to prove it. She once fell asleep at the wheel while on medication (her mother’s?) and broke the side mirror of the family vehicle on a mailbox between her parent’s house and the children’s bus stop. Additionally, PS2 has witnessed PS1 taking her terminally ill mother’s medications. PS2 shared these e-mail conversations with me, which I have excerpted. PS2 also testified during deposition about PS1′s prescription drug abuse:

Substance Abuse:

From PS2 -
PS1, I saw you on several occasions taking the morphine and atavan.

From PS1 -
On several occasions I took what?!?! That’s not true, (PS2). And as far as (brother) ‘bringing’ me pills or anything of sort – he NEVER has, except if Dad had him bring something over. I’m not saying I never did, but not on several occasions.

(Note the contradiction within the same sentence? “He NEVER has, except if…” )

Later -

PS1 to PS2:
and as far as on ‘several occasions’, yes to the Vicodin,   The m. I took that one time, I admit that. (“The m.” = Morphine. PS1 is, I assume, trying to not overtly say that she is stealing her mother’s morphine, or perhaps trying to allow for deniability should this conversation come back to haunt her.)

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats or self-mutilating behavior: PS1 was a self-described ”cutter” when she was a teenager and attempted suicide on more than one occasion. This led to her parents institutionalizing her for periods of time for treatment. Her sister, PS2 has also indicated that PS1 was diagnosed with Borderline PD  during one of these periods of treatment. PS1 later admitted this diagnosis of BPD to me in a letter: PS1: “That’s what that psycho-babble quack told me I had when I was 14.”

More recent self-hatred of PS1:

PS1: I fucking hate myself and my life sometimes

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.

PS1 has prescription medications for anxiety which is often intense, a form of dysphoria. PS1 rarely takes her medication except to help her sleep. The anxiety is sometimes a result of consequences after a series of very poor decisions.

PS1: I need advice and/or help! I’m on the verge of losing everything….my electric is going to get turned off, I’ve already been going to food banks, and I’m really scared for me and the kids. Where can I go to for help?!?  PS1′s anxiety is very real to her, and she wants other people to solve her problems for her (typical for B/N/HPDs)…via Social Networking.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. Although she has certainly indicated this, only PS1 could answer this one. BPDs feel empty inside, which is why they expend so much energy portraying themselves as anything but. I used to refer to PS1 as wearing a “mask” when in public, she was never the same person in public that she was in private. Now I refer to her as a Shapeshifter. Same thing.

PS1: I have never, ever pretended that I am not fucked up. More so than I could even relate.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or lack of control of anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). PS1 has had many episodes of explosive anger. She once hit PS2 in the face with a book for refusing to give her a cigarette (PS1 was pregnant). PS1 once raked her nails down my back when I walked away from her during an argument, leaving a deep & bloody gouge down the center of my back. There were numerous instances of unprovoked rage and/or disproportionate rage. She frequently rages on the children (especially DD) for minor infractions.  BPDs are unable to see anything wrong with themselves, however, and often project their own shortcomings onto others. Based entirely on what PS1 told a Psychologist, DD was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder at the age of seven and was prescribed Risperidone (a powerful antipsychotic). Now? She’s “fine” and doesn’t need any med’s.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Paranoid ideation: an exaggerated, sometimes grandiose, belief or suspicion, usually not of a delusional nature, that one is being harassed, persecuted, or treated unfairly. PS1 often feels, especially since the separation, that she is being harassed and persecuted. She has made statements to the effect of, “Why are you being like this?” or “Why are you being so hostile?” in response to my speaking to her in a direct, firm and non-submissive way. She has been visited by the  Dept. of Children and Families (DCF) several times, and always blames someone else for whatever the problem is. PS1 never takes personal responsibility for her own actions that led to the complaint (unless she thinks it would work in her favor to do so).

I realize that these may not be enough examples of PS1′s behavior proving that she is BPD…but I have a letter from her where she states that BPD is “what that psycho-babble quack told me I had.” There are many, many more examples, and I seem to recall (remember) more each time I read an article about BPD and psychopathy.

This was originally a much longer post, but I have decided to break it down into the different Personality Disorders that make up Psychopathy. Hopefully, it will be easier to digest.

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2010/08/31/divorce-and-high-conflict-people-borderlines-narcissists-histrionics-sociopaths-and-other-persuasive-blamers/