Is She a Psychopath? Part 1 – Borderline Personality Disorder

Posted: September 13, 2011 in Borderline PD, BPD/NPD/HPD, Psychopathy
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If you’re reading this and thinking that maybe I’m exaggerating how bad it was,  allow me to demonstrate how PS1′s behaviors qualify her as Cluster B PD.

From the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition, Text Revision. Copyright 2000. American Psychiatric Association

5 out of 9 criteria required for a diagnosis of BPD

Borderline PD:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment: I have often seen this behavior in PS1. When it seemed like I just couldn’t stand another rage episode or another instance of violently shifting moods, I would tell her that I intended to divorce her (and I always meant it). PS1 would suddenly become the person she was while we dated (she would shift back into the mirroring persona). The sex was frequent, meals were made, the children were cared for, and the house was clean, all were things that were uncharacteristic of her. As soon as the danger of the perceived abandonment had passed (me leaving/divorcing) the mirroring behavior disappeared and the abuse continued anew.

PS1 once needed a ride to pick up her child at a friend’s house who was watching her. This was late at night and she was at a bar (PS1 was 18 at the time). PS1 began offering anyone who would listen $100 for a ride. It wasn’t more than 5 miles and she could’ve called a cab. Problem was, she didn’t have $100 …. or even $20. How she intended to pay for this ride is anyone’s guess.

BPD/NPD/HPD personality types are emotional bullies who, when faced with their biggest fear, abandonment, will go to extreme measures to avoid the perceived abandonment. If that fails, they will lash out and seek to destroy the person whom they perceived has wronged them. They will show no mercy and will bad-mouth you to whomever they can. They will elicit the help of anyone that they can, including your shared children and your own family, if they are able to. In PS1′s case, she even managed to elicit the help of Congress and the Military. No, I am not kidding.

“Abusive women often view friends and family (including their own children) as war trophies, human shields and weapons during and after a break-up or divorce.” “The relationship ends and all of a sudden your ex spends more time with your family than she did when you were together. Why? She’s desperately trying to retain control over you by staying involved with your family. This kind of woman is especially likely to do this if you’ve begun a new relationship. She wants your family to like her more than you or your new love interest and/or she wants your family to take her side to show the world she’s “right” (whatever that means) and that you’re “wrong.”

She also does this to portray herself as the victim and you as the bad guy. She wants to try to turn your own family against you. She makes up egregious lies. Some of these women will even go so far as to claim you abused her and the children. For example, “He’s crazy. He’s changed. He’s having a mid-life crisis. You have no idea what I put up with all these years. How could he abandon the children and me?” The projections never stop. — Dr. Tara Palmatieri

Smear tactics (date/times removed, names changed):

PS1: They love you. You love them. No one questions that. But no one, including your mother, thought you would want the children

PS1: I knew that was how you’d respond. Thanks anyway
Agent Mulder: You mean with common sense?
PS1: With hostility. And I forwarded it to your mom, since I told her you’d do this.

PS1: No one knows you anymore, Mulder
PS1: you used to be a good person

(In HER eyes, I’ve “changed” for the worst. To those that knew me before PS1 and know me now…any “change” has been positive)

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. Mirroring is often used in the initial stages of a BP’s romantic quests. This is when the BP “mirrors” the likes, dislikes, interests and desires of the target or victim. PS1 demonstrated this while we were together. She would constantly shift between idolizing me, especially at the beginning, and berating me for seemingly minor “infractions, ” especially after we were married. I always felt like I was trying to “dodge rain.” This is also referred to as “walking on eggshells,” a common feeling amongst those who are living with or dealing with an N/B/HPD person. Additionally, after we separated, PS1 met a man online (Dave G.) and within a few weeks, and after a strictly online “relationship”, PS1 was talking about moving to New England with the children and marrying this man (idealization). Having never met Dave G., PS1 sent him money for a plane ticket, picked him up at the airport, then spent a weekend with him at a hotel while her elderly father watched the children. Meeting a virtual stranger under such conditions just seems irresponsible and unsafe behavior for someone with 4 kids. One year later Dave G.  was no longer a viable candidate for marriage and was “annoying,” “a stalker,” and “had to go” (devaluation).

PS1 now has a new boyfriend ( Greg S.) and has shown the same mirroring behavior with him, (e.g., PS1 is now fascinated by vintage aircraft,  and her birthday trip was to a vintage airplane museum). I suspect that she and Greg S.  have a “lot in common”. This is the goal of mirroring and the B/N/HPD is usually seen as the perfect “soul mate.”

Idealization (aka Love-Bombing):

Mulder: Are you seriously thinking of packing up the 4 kids and moving to New England in 6 months?
PS1: Well…….
Mulder: you’ll just move in w/ some guy you know from the internet?
PS1: And the phone. And the webcam

PS1: No, he’s really decent. And I know I’m being a little nuts, but in a good way In a Nicholas Sparks way

It was at this time that PS1 gave herself away. She had been denying me any opportunity to speak with the children, telling me that the webcam was broken (I was overseas). Parental Alienation (PAS) is the act of an emotional bully and is a form of abuse. She was allowing her long distance boyfriend to talk to the children on the webcam during this same time.

PS1: You’re right. It was selfish of me not to let you talk to the kids on Skype while you were in (Overseas)

PS1: Yeah. He treats me like a princess.
Her Love-Bombing behavior with her newest boyfriend (victim) Greg S.:

PS1:  ♥Completely, perfectly, and incandescently happy.♥

PS1:  Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile~ Oh, and then the spell was cast~ And here we are in heaven~ For you are mine~ At last~ ♥ Etta James ♥

PS1: ♥ Life is totally amazing. ♥

PS1: Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same. ~Emily Brontë

(5 weeks after being in this new relationship, she has another “soul mate”…again)

Devaluation (Dave G. — aka Nicholas Sparks Guy):

Mulder: you booted him out and he took it poorly?

PS1: He’s obsessive/stalker-like

PS1: (Dave G.) was free housekeeping and childcare. Much cheaper than anything I could’ve afforded.

This devaluation was happening in PS1′s mind in less than a year.

N/H/BPDs also don’t have any problem with using other people for their own needs, and see nothing wrong with such behavior.

3. Identity disturbance: persistent and markedly disturbed, distorted or unstable self-image or sense of self. PS1 often portrays herself as delighted, happy and exuberant one moment and depressed and despondent the next and frequently cycles through these moods several times each day, especially when not taking her medication(s), which is most of the time. I suspect that this is partially responsible for her diagnosis as Bi-Polar, however it is a distinct characteristic of BPD when the mood-cycling happens so rapidly. The following status updates are PS1′s and are within 5 hours of each other. 

PS1: Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ Happy, happy Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ

PS1:  Depressed, dejected, despondent, afflicted, beaten down,
bummed out, cast down, devitalized, discouraged, disheartened, dismayed, drained, run down, sad, weighed down. BLAH – I don’t even know why.

4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Since I’ve known her, PS1 has frequently misspent money without any thought to later financial difficulty. She took the kids to a popular theme park and later that month was unable to pay her electric bill. I’ve paid some of her electric bills (the amount was more than $500). PS2 and others have paid more than a few also. A normal person might well make an impulse buy, but they are fully aware of the consequences of their actions and usually change other spending habits to make up for it.  A Borderline, such as PS1, is simply unable to see past the “right now” and will spend on what they like, when they like.

I have suspected PS1 of infidelity, but have only circumstantial evidence to prove it. She once fell asleep at the wheel while on medication (her mother’s?) and broke the side mirror of the family vehicle on a mailbox between her parent’s house and the children’s bus stop. Additionally, PS2 has witnessed PS1 taking her terminally ill mother’s medications. PS2 shared these e-mail conversations with me, which I have excerpted. PS2 also testified during deposition about PS1′s prescription drug abuse:

Substance Abuse:

From PS2 -
PS1, I saw you on several occasions taking the morphine and atavan.

From PS1 -
On several occasions I took what?!?! That’s not true, (PS2). And as far as (brother) ‘bringing’ me pills or anything of sort – he NEVER has, except if Dad had him bring something over. I’m not saying I never did, but not on several occasions.

(Note the contradiction within the same sentence? “He NEVER has, except if…” )

Later -

PS1 to PS2:
and as far as on ‘several occasions’, yes to the Vicodin,   The m. I took that one time, I admit that. (“The m.” = Morphine. PS1 is, I assume, trying to not overtly say that she is stealing her mother’s morphine, or perhaps trying to allow for deniability should this conversation come back to haunt her.)

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats or self-mutilating behavior: PS1 was a self-described ”cutter” when she was a teenager and attempted suicide on more than one occasion. This led to her parents institutionalizing her for periods of time for treatment. Her sister, PS2 has also indicated that PS1 was diagnosed with Borderline PD  during one of these periods of treatment. PS1 later admitted this diagnosis of BPD to me in a letter: PS1: “That’s what that psycho-babble quack told me I had when I was 14.”

More recent self-hatred of PS1:

PS1: I fucking hate myself and my life sometimes

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.

PS1 has prescription medications for anxiety which is often intense, a form of dysphoria. PS1 rarely takes her medication except to help her sleep. The anxiety is sometimes a result of consequences after a series of very poor decisions.

PS1: I need advice and/or help! I’m on the verge of losing everything….my electric is going to get turned off, I’ve already been going to food banks, and I’m really scared for me and the kids. Where can I go to for help?!?  PS1′s anxiety is very real to her, and she wants other people to solve her problems for her (typical for B/N/HPDs)…via Social Networking.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. Although she has certainly indicated this, only PS1 could answer this one. BPDs feel empty inside, which is why they expend so much energy portraying themselves as anything but. I used to refer to PS1 as wearing a “mask” when in public, she was never the same person in public that she was in private. Now I refer to her as a Shapeshifter. Same thing.

PS1: I have never, ever pretended that I am not fucked up. More so than I could even relate.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or lack of control of anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). PS1 has had many episodes of explosive anger. She once hit PS2 in the face with a book for refusing to give her a cigarette (PS1 was pregnant). PS1 once raked her nails down my back when I walked away from her during an argument, leaving a deep & bloody gouge down the center of my back. There were numerous instances of unprovoked rage and/or disproportionate rage. She frequently rages on the children (especially DD) for minor infractions.  BPDs are unable to see anything wrong with themselves, however, and often project their own shortcomings onto others. Based entirely on what PS1 told a Psychologist, DD was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder at the age of seven and was prescribed Risperidone (a powerful antipsychotic). Now? She’s “fine” and doesn’t need any med’s.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Paranoid ideation: an exaggerated, sometimes grandiose, belief or suspicion, usually not of a delusional nature, that one is being harassed, persecuted, or treated unfairly. PS1 often feels, especially since the separation, that she is being harassed and persecuted. She has made statements to the effect of, “Why are you being like this?” or “Why are you being so hostile?” in response to my speaking to her in a direct, firm and non-submissive way. She has been visited by the  Dept. of Children and Families (DCF) several times, and always blames someone else for whatever the problem is. PS1 never takes personal responsibility for her own actions that led to the complaint (unless she thinks it would work in her favor to do so).

I realize that these may not be enough examples of PS1′s behavior proving that she is BPD…but I have a letter from her where she states that BPD is “what that psycho-babble quack told me I had.” There are many, many more examples, and I seem to recall (remember) more each time I read an article about BPD and psychopathy.

This was originally a much longer post, but I have decided to break it down into the different Personality Disorders that make up Psychopathy. Hopefully, it will be easier to digest.

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2010/08/31/divorce-and-high-conflict-people-borderlines-narcissists-histrionics-sociopaths-and-other-persuasive-blamers/

Crazy Makes Trouble

Posted: August 20, 2011 in Borderline PD, BPD/NPD/HPD, Psychopathy
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“Recognize that the Crazy will not fight fair, will not behave in a way that is socially acceptable, will use your children, will threaten you and play on your fear at every opportunity, and will sacrifice herself to “win” against you. To the Crazy, any means justify their ends.” LiliM – “Crazybuster” in an article by Dr. Tara Palmatier, PsyD.

PS1 contacted the Criminal Investigation branch at my new installation and reported me for housing allowance fraud. I was two months into what would be a three year stint, and PS1 was already causing trouble. The investigator called me in and interviewed me for several hours and when it became apparent to me that he was twisting everything I said to suit him, I ended the interview. For example, when I showed him the lease that PS1 had for the residence she claimed she never resided at, he said, “Oh! You have a fraudulent lease?” Right then, I knew that he was not looking for the truth, but was instead looking to build a case against me and nothing else. This lease was written out by PS1 and her landlord. In her sworn statement, PS1 denied ever producing it and claimed I forced her to sign it under threat of violence.

It’s interesting, now that he has built that case and I may soon face a Courts Martial, that in PS1’s sworn statement she can’t even help but contradict herself repeatedly. One of the things I find disheartening is how the second investigator (on the opposite coast) who interviewed PS1 tried to verify just one of the things PS1 wrote in her statement. Ps1 claimed to have called the local Sheriff several times to report me for harassing and threatening her and the children. This 2nd investigator made a phone call to the Sheriff’s office. The Sheriff’s office made it known that they had never received any such calls from PS1. And since (in my opinion) the investigator was trying to build a case and didn’t want to further discredit the statement she had just received from PS1, she makes no mention in her report of further trying to either corroborate or discredit PS1’s statement.

The investigation was completed in October of 2009. In November my unit deployed to Southwest Asia for a year and my commander chose to take no action so that, presumably, I could be deployed with the unit. His recommendation was for non-judicial punishment (maximum 45 days extra duty, no loss of rank). I returned stateside in August 2010. In July, PS1 had written a letter to the installation commander insisting that I was abusive to her and the children, that she and the children were on food stamps and that I owed her several thousand dollars. She wasted no words in smearing my character and vilifying me. The lies were abundant and egregious. This was right before I returned from my second overseas tour, the psychopath’s way of saying, “Welcome Home.” When PS1 received no response to, or attention from, this letter, she let the entire matter drop.

Ha Ha! Just kidding! Nope. With true sociopathic glee and determination, she instead forwarded the letter with an additional one (containing more lies and further smears) to her Congressman. Military personnel and their families have the option of requesting that a wrong be made right through Congress. When PS1’s letter didn’t have the desired effect when sent to the installation commander, she went above his head, to Congress. When a member of Congress initiates an inquiry into a matter on behalf of a member of the Military or their family members, the command group has no option other than to investigate the claim and send back a reply detailing their findings.

Needless to say, this was, and continues to be, very stressful. I had to produce for my commander all of my bank records dating back to the date of the court’s temporary order (more than a year’s worth). When the matter was settled, my commander had determined that I had, in fact, adhered to all aspects of the court’s order. The Military sets a minimum dollar amount to be paid to a Service member’s dependents, and a court order also sets an amount for support. A service member has to pay whichever amount is greater (the minimum set by the Military must be met). During the course of the legal dept. reviewing the response to the Congressman, it was brought to my attention that the court’s order was silent as to spousal support, only setting an amount for child support. This was because PS1 was not seeking alimony. But due to this oversight, the Military determined that PS1 was due to receive her percentage of the military’s minimum as spousal support. Crazy, I know. Luckily, I was able to produce e-mails and chats where PS1 stated she was not seeking alimony. These were deemed to be a financial agreement by Military standards. So rather than have to pay PS1 any additional monies, the amount of support in the court’s order stood.

PS1 is out of work. The only money she receives is the child support that I pay her and the disability check she receives for our disabled son. By reporting me to the Military for housing allowance fraud, she has jeopardized our children and her own ability to care for them, as well as my source of income (which is PS1′s source of income). Our disabled son stands to lose all of his Military medical benefits (too numerous to mention) and PS1 stands to, potentially, lose the 4-figure child support payment each month. But this doesn’t even concern her. Her only goal is to destroy me. The welfare of the children, her own income, none of these things matter to PS1. PS1 will ruthlessly, tirelessly, and recklessly go out of her way to do me harm. To PS1, it’s not even going “out of her way,” it is her way.

http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/08/17/how-to-navigate-divorce-with-a-high-conflict-ex-when-children-are-involved-dont-let-your-well-founded-fears-be-used-against-you/

Emotional Bullies don’t care about you

Posted: August 16, 2011 in BPD/NPD/HPD, Psychopathy
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I remember a time when I knew I no longer cared about PS1. It was a very painful time in my life. Literally.

I was lying in bed, writhing in pain. I had been in bed most of the day, not feeling well and I just could not get comfortable no matter how I tried or which way I rolled. As the day wore on, the pain seemed to be getting worse. And so did the abuse.

PS1 would occasionally walk into the room and tell me that I was being a baby, to quit being so dramatic and to get up. It was a weekend and I wasn’t working. I had grown accustomed to the way things were. When I came home from work, I was “on.” PS1 would clock out, and now I was in charge of taking care of the kids since I had “been gone all day.” And by the way she said it, I had presumably spent the day in the park, having found a comfortable, grassy area to nap away the day. Not actually, you know, working or anything.

Eventually I came to realize that the pain I was feeling was getting increasingly worse, not better. I told PS1 that I should go to the hospital. Maybe I knew, intuitively, what her reaction would be, because I do remember not being surprised. PS1 told me that I “might as well go to the hospital”, since I “wasn’t doing anything around here.”

So I did. I drove myself to the hospital, realizing something for the first time. The roads leading to the hospital were in serious need of repair! I can say that to this day, I still remember the stretch of road that was the bumpiest. The miles didn’t fly by, I was aware of every inch.

The doctor determined that my pain was due to my appendix being about to burst. I was sent in for surgery later that evening and my appendix  was removed. The next day I was released to go home.

I think I knew that PS1 was incredibly selfish, but that day, I think, it really hit home just how insensitive and uncaring she is. Oh, it took a while to sink in…but I don’t think her true self ever surprised me any more after that. I think that was the day I finally realized I was living with  a shapeshifter.

This article was very helpful to me, I hope it is for you also.

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/

E-mail exchange

Posted: August 16, 2011 in BPD/NPD/HPD
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In order to finalize the painful process of divorcing what I now know to be a Sociopath, I agreed to less than favorable conditions so that the back-and-forth crap would just be over. The last time that PS1 and I came to an “agreement”, I had my attorney draw up the agreement and the only thing left was for it to be signed by both parties. PS1, of course, reneged without ever signing.

Now, I have (stupidly) agreed to a final agreement, but made it clear that this time that PS1 would have to have her attorney draft the agreement, as I was not going to pay mine to draft another agreement when I had reasonable evidence to believe that she wouldn’t ever make it as far as signing the agreement.

My attorney had a draft written within a week of our previous agreement . Since this more recent agreement, over a month ago (about 6 weeks now), I have not, nor has my attorney received any such draft from her attorney.

I pointed this out to PS1 in a recent e-mail:

PS1,
The last time we reached an agreement, my attorney had the paperwork drafted and sent within a week or so, for review.  It’s been well over a month now and I have not received anything on the new agreement. You have often said how much you want this divorce to be over, but your lack of action implies that this is not the case.
Agent Mulder
PS1′s reply:

our lack of action implies that this is not the case? Not necessary, y’know. I have emailed my lawyer’s clerk immediately, who assured me that Mr. (Attorney)  would get to it. So far, he hasn’t. I’ve called and left a message for him to contact me ASAP. I’ll call AGAIN.

PS1 followed this e-mail with a phone call, informing me not to be so “nasty” and asking if I ever read my e-mails twice before hitting “send” so as not to come off seemingly so “hostile.” I have come to recognize (somewhat) how PS1 will often use different media to launch an attack. She has often covered the same subject while jumping from Skype to e-mail to Messenger to Social Network. I realize now that she would do this in order to keep me off-balance…and it usually worked.

I have read my e-mail to her again and still see no hostility in it. If anything, I am pointing out that her lack of action is simply meeting my expectations of her. B/N/HPDs are notorious for making agreements and then not sticking to them, it’s in their nature. They are also known to have psychotic episodes, or breaks from reality. I’m not sure if that’s what’s happening in her reply, or if PS1 is being intentionally obtuse. Who is the “our” she is speaking of? I can give her the benefit of the doubt here and guess that maybe she just didn’t copy and paste well. But what about the sentence, “ I have emailed my lawyer’s clerk immediately” ? What information was meant to be conveyed in that sentence? Is PS1 saying she will e-mail her attorney’s clerk immediately? Or that she has e-mailed her attorney’s clerk? If she has e-mailed, then what’s up with the “immediately”? And if PS1 e-mailed (or will e-mail) immediately, then what’s the reason for the phone call?

The simple answer is this: PS1 hasn’t, nor will she call or e-mail her attorney on this matter. This is all a lie. If she had, there would have been some sort of offer made from her attorney to mine well before now.

The incoherency in PS1′s reply is disturbing, and unfortunately is just one example of several such replies to various e-mails over the past years.

UPDATE:

Finally received the marital settlement agreement from my attorney. Unfortunately, PS1 has added several items that were not, and will never be agreed to by me. Why should I ever allow her to know the name and address of my employer? The last time she had that information, she used it to bully me through Congress (she wrote a letter to her Congressman stating that I was a felon and that I provided her with no child support). I had to produce, for my Commander, my bank records dated back to the date of the court’s order, showing that I was fully in compliance. PS1 reported me to the Armed Forces  Criminal Investigation Division for Housing Allowance fraud, and I will be facing Courts Martial.

Additionally, PS1 added into the agreement that I would pay the entire amount of child support until the youngest child turns 18, as opposed to the amount of child support reducing as each child turns 18. PS1 strikes again!

And to mitigate any future machinations, bullying, stalking behaviors and generally, just reducing her obsessively inserting her hot mess of a life into mine, I intend to also add to the agreement that we be required to use Our Family Wizard. OFW is an online tool that eliminates the he said/she said and compels a PD to behave like a rational adult. It also provides a non-judgmental, 3rd party “witness” for when a PDI (personality disordered Individual) refuses to behave by the rules or violate a judge’s order. It makes a psychopath realize that they are being monitored and that they can be held accountable for their actions. It disarms an abuser. Kinda says it all, huh?

 

I recently spoke with DD on the phone. She sounded stuffy and I asked her if she had taken anything for her allergies. She said she was just stuffy because she was outside and it was raining. When I told her to go back inside, she told me that her mom made her go outside to talk to me because she “had people over.” I could hear thunder and told DD to go back inside, just to a different room. DD quickly replied that, “It’s not that bad,” in an effort to avoid going back into the house. I finally had to end the conversation with a promise to call DD the next day because she said she saw lightning. The court’s order requires PS1 to make the children available for me to speak with. Unfortunately, the court’s order does not specifically state that PS1 provide the children with a safe environment for them to do so. It’s almost impossible to think that there are mothers in the world who will punish their own children (by making them stand in a thunderstorm) for choosing to speak with their father. But a rational person’s refusal to believe there are mother’s like PS1 is exactly what psychopaths (like PS1) count on and how they get away with so much right in front of “normal” people. People tend to dismiss their actions or explain them away. There must be a more logical reason, because no one would do that to their own child. If you believe that, then you’ve never lived with a psychopath. However, if you have ever  lived with a psychopath, then you know that it’s not only true, but the norm.

The Children

Posted: August 13, 2011 in Borderline PD, BPD/NPD/HPD, Psychopathy
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PS1 loves people, but only for what they can do for her, which is feed her Narcissistic supply. The kids? They’re just props to PS1. She loves the attention she gets because of them. PS1 loves that our son, Sonny (now 6), is disabled for the comments she gets because of him, “You’re such a strong woman! I don’t know how you do it!” I can answer that…she doesn’t! Now that I’ve been gone, SD (now 14) and D (now 10) do the lion’s share of the childcare. SD feeds Sonny and even gives him his medications…she’s even been taught by PS1 to treat him in case of a seizure. D takes care of LO (now 3).

The children are a chore for PS1. She likes the attention and sympathy she gets because of them, and uses them to her advantage at every opportunity in order to garner sympathy. But how does she really feel about them?

What does PS1 have to say? (Names have been changed & dates/times have been removed):

PS1:  ”Has to drive to Tampa to take my son, Sonny, to the hospital. Joyous.” (taking our disabled son to a Dr.’s appt is not rewarding for an N/H/BPD)

PS1: ”I’m going to have all of the kids home for an entire week. That seems to be a daunting endeavor. ( PS1 describes her efforts to care for the children as “daunting.” Caring for others isn’t fulfilling for a sociopath, it’s an endeavor. Some, if not most, people would enjoy an uninterrupted week with their kids. Not an N/H/BPD. To them, there’s no payoff, no reward. They are simply holding up appearances).

During the 3 months that she had a couple, E.N and U.N’s daughter (HA) and son-in-law (NA), living in the house, PS1 would frequently stay nights with her boyfriend and go away on the weekends with him. While she was so preoccupied with Love-Bombing her newest victim, she allowed her own children to be abused and neglected. Most telling of all is when told of the abuse, she intentionally turned her back on the situation. PS1 was unable to empathize with her own children, it simply didn’t affect her.

Sonny: In September, 2009, Sonny weighed 46.9 lbs. By July, 2010 his weight had dropped to 31.5 lbs. (more than 1/3 of his total weight) in just 10 months. In June, 2009, just 3 weeks before I discovered Sonny’s drastic weight loss,  PS1 had this to say about him:

PS1:  but he’s getting heavy and there really isn’t any way to transport his wheelchair.
PS1:  He didn’t outgrow it. But he does need a wheelchair van
PS1: So we can go places as a family as he gets heavier,  larger

PS1 is manipulative and was using our disabled son as a means to get a larger capacity van because at the time she had NA and HA living in the house and wanted to be able to take trips in a vehicle that would hold everybody. Sonny didn’t need a new van, PS1 did. Now that NA and HA are gone, suddenly the need for a larger van is no longer there.

PS1 also told Sonny’s doctor that he receives all of his Physical, Occupational, and Speech therapies at school. This was in Sonny’s medical record in April, 2010. Sonny had last been to school on February 10, 2010. He missed more than 90 of 161 days of school that year, according to his attendance record.

Coming out of the FOG

Posted: August 13, 2011 in Borderline PD, BPD/NPD/HPD, Psychopathy
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“People stay in unsatisfying or toxic relationships for a variety of reasons: fear of being alone, fear of change, the comfort of the familiar vs. the fear of the unknown, financial reasons, children, religious beliefs, etc. We tell ourselves it’s not that bad or things will get better as a reason (i.e., excuse) not to make a difficult, but positive change.” – Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

“The stereotype of an abusive relationship is that of a man physically beating a woman. Society has yet to acknowledge the vast number of women who emotionally abuse men. In fact, the men who are being abused oftentimes don’t realize that their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior is abusive.” – Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Remember Agent Scully? The girl that I was having such a hard time getting over when I met PS1? Well, fast-forward 10-12 years from then to 2006/2007. I’m married to PS1, 8 yrs or so at this point. We have 3 kids (my step-daughter, daughter and disabled son). One day, I look up old classmates and I find Dana Scully. I send her a message, just a simple “Hi, how are you?” I’m not sure if she’ll remember me. I’m not sure if she does remember me, that she’d even respond. She does respond though, and only a day or two later. We find out later that we had both signed up for the classmate-finding service a day or two apart.

Agent Scully and myself began passing e-mails back and forth. She was in a similarly dangerous situation with an NPD male. We began talking a lot about her situation and mine.

Again, looking back now, I’m not sure that if Agent Scully had told me, point-blank, that I was in an abusive relationship, I would have believed it. I knew I was miserable, I knew the kids were miserable (they witnessed a lot of yelling and verbal abuse), and I knew PS1 was miserable. What I didn’t know then was that PS1 was miserable and was making her family miserable as a coping mechanism to make herself feel better.

Slowly, over time, Agent Scully helped me realize that I was allowed to be happy and that my relationship was not healthy, was in fact abusive. I came to see that I was compromising all of who I was for PS1′s happiness, which never lasted for more than a day, maybe two, anyways.

PS1 was diagnosed as Bi-Polar (and BPD as I later found out), but rarely took her medications regularly. I would find myself in the middle of another blow-out argument and realize that she had cycled through manic and depressive moods about 5 times that day. It was at this point that I would ask PS1, “When’s the last time you took your med’s?” Her response was always, “When’s the last time you took yours?” (Agent Mulder has been diagnosed with ADHD, of which the symptoms are far less bothersome than the side effects of the medication) Eventually I would get a somewhat straight answer and find out that she had been off of her medications for a week or more. PS1 would usually agree to take them again, but the worst part of it all was that by now, it would take another week or two for them to reach a therapeutic level…so another week of feeling like I was trying to “dodge rain.”

As I prepared to deploy overseas for a year, I was beginning to come out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) PS1 had created over the past several years. I left for my overseas tour with a dreadful feeling that my disabled son would not still be alive when I got back. I was the one who primarily cared for him, and with me gone, I didn’t think PS1 would adequately care for him. I’m still amazed that she’s managed to keep him alive. When I came home on mid-tour leave, I think I knew subconsciously that I would be leaving PS1. I didn’t know when or how, but I knew I could not continue to live with her.

We spent a weekend away at a resort. PS1 drank so heavily the first night that she vomited on the crowded sidewalk, onto my sandaled feet. The next morning, she wanted to make love, I wasn’t in the mood. PS1 asked me, “Are you in love with her?” referring to Agent Scully whom she knew I had been passing e-mails back and forth with. I told her, “Yes”. I remember that I even tried to cry when I told her. I think I felt like I owed her at least that.. I felt like I should feel…something. But I didn’t. I didn’t feel guilty, I didn’t feel ashamed, I didn’t feel like there was even a loss, like if we had just tried harder it could have worked. What I felt was…numb. I felt like I had wasted one-third of my life with someone who is incapable of unconditional love. I felt like I had been living a lie, lying to myself, being lied to, and had finally decided to see the truth.

For years, I had been afraid to admit defeat. I felt like the marriage was over, but that it was somehow my fault. The reality is that the marriage had been over for many years, but neither of us wanted to throw in the towel, to admit failure. I finally wanted out enough that nothing PS1 did or said would make me stay.

I finally decided to take the Red Pill.

Warning! Storm Approaching!

Posted: August 13, 2011 in Borderline PD, BPD/NPD/HPD, Psychopathy
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Oh sure, looking back now, there were all types of warning signs. I think I understand now how people can know that a Category 4 hurricane is coming and still stay in their homes. “It won’t be that bad. We’ve been through lots of storms before.” When someone tells me now that there is danger ahead, I still tend to rationalize the danger, but I also take a much closer look at the approaching clouds. Sometimes I even manage to recognize the true threat and think, “I better get out of here!”

THE WARNING SIGNS:

1. Once, while at the local sports bar where our online chat-group met, PS1 was on the dance floor, kissing and grinding with another woman. Sure, all the guys thought it was sexy, and I suppose it was. But again, looking back, I recognize the behavior as the attention-seeking, spotlight craving of a BPD/NPD/HPD.

2. Another time, we met up at the bar and PS1 left for almost 3 hours with another guy, a “friend” of hers. She showed up later as if nothing was wrong. She was high and I later found out that she had taken Ecstasy.

3. Yet another time, PS1 was desperate for a ride home and offered a cab driver $100 to give her a ride home. Only problem was, she didn’t have $100.

4. Once, when a friend of mine had unused opera tickets, he offered them to me. I declined but PS1 accepted. I didn’t see a problem with allowing them to go to the opera together, so they went. Later, in front of my other  friends, PS1 claimed that the man who had taken her to the opera had parked near the beach, leaned over and kissed her. I pointed out that it’s physically impossible to lean over a center console and make mouth-to-mouth contact unless she allowed it to happen. To this day, PS1 still claims that’s what happened. My friend flatly denied it. I found out years later that while he was waiting on PS1 to finish getting ready, she came out of the bathroom naked, hitting on him. He rejected her. This behavior would explain why PS1 vilified him later. I know now that her behavior was in line with her sociopathy. She saw a better prospect for herself in a wealthier set of parents (his), and when rejected, she vilified him. It’s yet another psychopathic tactic to create such a scene in front of their victim’s friends. The goal was to make it uncomfortable for the two of us to be around my friends. So when we couldn’t be around my friends together, and I couldn’t be around them without PS1 being insulted by my wanting to be around them, knowing what they thought of her, I stopped hanging around with my friends. Isolating me was her intended goal.

5. When PS1′s closest friend, E.N. Abler, was in the hospital giving birth to their 3rd child, E.N.’s husband, U.N. Abler, wanted to go out and celebrate. PS1 went with him. They left at 7pm. At 3am, PS1 came home. She claimed that they had walked all over downtown, going to different bars because U.N. had wanted to visit them all. I pointed out that she was wearing high heels and would not have walked so much, also that she was stone sober. I’m sure she was unfaithful, again, but PS1 would always stick to her stories, no matter how much they didn’t hold water. This was likely due to my having told her early on that I would leave her if she were ever unfaithful. So anytime she was unfaithful, she knew she could never admit to it. B/H/NPDs have an irrational fear of abandonment, to the point that they will do/say whatever it takes to avoid being left. If it seems inevitable, then they will leave, and then vilify their victim. They will even make up egregious lies in an effort to prove that they’re “right” and the other party is “wrong”.

6. After my overseas tour, we moved to the United States for our disabled son’s medical needs. Once, during an argument, I turned and walked away. PS1 rushed forward and raked her nails down my back, leaving a long, deep gash. She instantly apologized and became very nurturing, dressing the wound that she had just created, apologizing ad nauseam.

7. Another time (PS1 did this often), she was extremely overly emotional and apologetic for something she had done wrong. It was late and I had to get up early for work in the morning. I was angry and wanted her to get away from me. When she wouldn’t leave me alone, I pushed her away. She rushed forward and clung to my leg, crying like a 2 yr old.  Yes, seriously.

There were 6 more examples from my online journal  that were lost when I copied and pasted them here. When (if) I remember what they were, I will update this post.

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